Advances in Chaos

Everyone needs something to stare at while they think I believe. Some people stare blankly at the TV, or the wall. Me I stare at women. Today it was the long legged beauty on the couch in the corner of the lobby. She has absolutely phenomenal legs. Seriously, they're amazing enough to give ME fantasies, and I usually don't bother with those. Oh, and there's been this really cute Asian chick wandering through flirting with me too. And some decent cougars too. Anyways, seeing these two I started thinking and realized that I hadn't updated anyone on all the recent chaos in my life.

First lets talk about the shit I have been working. Since so many people have left recently from my work, I got roped into working 2 night audits, and 3 morning shifts. Do you know how much that sucks? I'm still a night person; I don't sleep. Since I don't ever manage to get to sleep at a reasonable time, I never wake up on time either. Damn, Legs just left. So I've been late a fair bit recently. Not more than an hour, but it's been once a week since I started working this shift set. Apparently, I can rack up a ridiculous number of write ups for this because they can't afford to fire me, and they want me to be supervisor. And then, last week, there was Thursday.

It started innocently enough. I worked at 6:45, and I was on time having been late the day before. Off at 2:45 and off I went to look at new places to live in since Simone and I hadn't yet found one we agreed on. The last place I looked at was up on Queen Anne Hill about 5 blocks from Nabob (the bar I'm always at) so I stopped in for a drink. I really meant it to be one. I even tried to order PBR, but my bartender forced me to enjoy happy hour by drinking Black Butte Porters, some German beer, and something else I don't remember. I did eventually get that PBR I had ordered, but that was 2 hours and several beers later. Best part was that I didn't have to actually pay for any of them. I spent most of that 2 hours playing pool with some random guys and they put all my drinks on their collective tab. Legs is back again; thank god for women who love to let their best features show so well. After that I took off back home, grabbed Audrey's computer I had been fixing, and brought it over to work to give it back to her. And this is where the trouble started.

One of the guys at work and I decided we needed a couple drinks, so we headed back up to Nabob, but not until we had coerced Audrey into coming up after she got off work and bringing our boss's girlfriend with her. Again, someone else paid for my drinks, thankfully. After the girls showed up, I got a fair bit drunker than I meant too. There are two reasons for that. One: I hadn't eaten since that morning. Two: As we all know, I drink better with an audience. Apparently I also flirt better with an audience. Apparently I was pretty ridiculous, and the chick I was hitting on most fervently was actually fairly receptive to it. She was also, according to my co-worker, a 7.5 or an 8, and two to four years older than me. Her friend, on the other hand, was about a 3.5, six to eight years older, and wanted my balls something fierce. I also spilled my guts to Whitney about how there's no way I could ever date Audrey, which, as always, relegates us to friends, and I always need more attractive women as friends. BTW, Legs has left the building for the last time; I think I'm gonna cry. Wait, never mind, this new chick who walked in is pretty cute too. When they finally did last call, we stopped by 7-11 and got more beer, and a bottle of wine for the girls. Then we hit the roof. The roof of work. With booze. At 2 am. Great plan. A couple hours later (4am), I finally went home, drunk as hell, and passed out on my phone so I didn't wake up when my alarm went off at 6 am to wake me up for work. In fact, I didn't wake up until around 2ish, and didn't call my work until the next day. And no, I didn't get fired. I think I paid for my mistake though. I had a hangover, and I hadn't gotten laid. Surely that's punishment enough?

Since I had failed magisterially to get laid on Thursday, and was too hungover to do anything about it Friday, and I worked both Saturday and Sunday nights I knew I had to get laid Monday. Now, granted, this is me we're talking about here. I could have still performed on Friday, and its pretty easy, and fun to get laid in the middle of the day, but you have to remember a couple things. Even I hate hangovers, despite the fact that I spend way too much of my life that way; I slept most of Saturday; and I was too high on Sunday to find the drive to get off the couch for much of anything. All this means that I did what any rational, crazed, horny man would do: I called my ex-girlfriend, the bookseller. No, I still refuse to explain myself over that one. So when she showed up we headed straight for the bar because that's what we do before we go fuck. At the bar we played a lot of pool and drank a lot of beer. Interesting things happened at the bar that night. First, Palani, the bartender, asked me to work the door Friday night, so now I have a job at my favorite bar which is awesome because they give me a discount on drinks. Secondly, I ran into the guy who has been trying to recruit me for another hotel in Seattle, and got an interview set up for the next day. Third, was a really strange couple that decided they wanted to hit on Jenny and I. Granted, they had just met tonight, and the girl had just broken up with her boyfriend, so some strangeness was to be expected, but not this. Oh, and the guy had the most irritating laugh in history. They first showed up while I was out smoking with my friend from work, and had caught Jenny before she made it outside, so she was playing a game against the guy when I came in. As soon as I got back the girl started professing her love for my "girlfriend". And the guy kept trying to rub my leg. It was really strange. The girl seemed interested in both Jenny and I because she kept rubbing my crotch, and flirting with Jenny, telling her how beautiful, smart, and just generally amazing she is. Jenny doesn't do threesomes with me, she doesn't like to share, so that was out. And there was no way in hell that guy was ever getting near me in a sexual situation. Still, the fact that the girl hit on both of us, and the guy was hitting on only me kinda creeped me out. Either way, they bailed after Jenny talked the girl into sleeping with that guy. Let me tell you, that conversation was hysterical. We bounced soon after and did what we do best.

Tuesday I went in for that interview, and walked out with a new job. Wednesday I quit my job, signed the lease agreements for the new apartment, and helped Simone get a few things moved in. We also discovered the greatest thing about the new place: the downstairs closet under the stairs locks from the outside. If Mario ever comes over I am locking him in that closet until he finally comes out of the closet and admits he's gay.

Aftermath...

Most of you are actually vaguely used to me keeping the weirdest hours on the planet, but, unfortunately for me, I'm not used to it anymore. Luckily, once the bookseller showed up, we hit the bar. Two vodka red bulls later, I was actually pretty awake. OK, kinda awake. Awake enough to beat her at pool anyways. We got home about ten or eleven, and actually fell asleep around two.

I know that I'm a sex addict, but sometimes it's just a specific type of sex. In this case, that would be violent, crazed, rough sex. Details would require pictures. Recovery would require skin grafts. It always cracks me up that she continues to be surprised that I can not only handle sex that rough, but that I crave it. Apparently she has to attempt to behave herself with other men because they can't take it... pussies. The other thing that cracks me up is that we can spend all evening hanging out together and not touch each other or anything. We both know what we're going to be doing later, but it has no part in most of our time together. We're all friendly, nice, and a little standoffish physically up until we get started, and then we tear each other apart. Whatever, the sex is good.

On other fronts, the new girl at work is cute, but way wrong for me. I know this never stops me, but still. As for work, there are currently six or so good lookin older women in the lobby. Oh, and I'm falling asleep. Yeah, I didn't sleep last night because I'm an idiot. Also, by the time I was finally tired I would never have made it to work on time if I had gone to sleep then. So, yay, I get a 28+ hour day, again. I really wish I could figure out how I manage to live like this. Seriously, I think I died a long time ago, but I've been having too much fun to let go. There's really no other way to explain how I manage to live off of what I eat, how little sleep I get, and how much I drink, smoke and fuck. By the way, there's a song that the only real lines are "I drink. I smoke. I fuck." It's actually a pretty cool song, not to mention pretty well laying out my life. Along with "Jesus Doesn't Love You Anymore" and "I'm a Bad, Bad Man" I think I'm pretty much covered. I didn't even need Emo rock to do it either.

Either way, I think it's time to pass out standing up.

Stay Awake Forever: Plan B

Most people seem to have trouble staying awake for long periods of time, but not me. Once, a long time ago, I developed the perfect formula for staying awake and alert for long periods of time. Subsequently, I immediately used this formula to stay awake for three days so that I could consume a ridiculous amount of drugs (see Recipe For Destruction) after which I could never remember the exact formula for staying awake and alert. Because of this drastic malfunction of my higher memory skills I have been forced to make do with my backup formula, detailed below.

A Reason
Cigarettes
Booze, Lots of
A desire to get laid
A passionate, and completely unfounded, fear of not waking up early enough to get things done (note: Make sure you don't actually have anything to get done, it defeats the entire purpose)
Last, and most important, have three retard, construction, assholes from some Eastern Bloc country using power saws and hammers on the external siding RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR WINDOW!!!!

So I worked night audit last night, meaning that I woke up at 5pm, and its pretty much that time now, on the next day. I went to the bar after I got off work, had a couple drinks, and then came home to try and sleep. Yeah, that didn't work. First some guy closes my window from the outside (keep in mind I live on the second floor... It's pretty far up), and then he fires off some sort of saw. It pretty much got worse after that, and it lasted for about an hour or so. And then started again fifteen minutes later. It's been off and on pretty much all day. Not to mention all the yelling they all do at each other in something that sounds vaguely Russianish. I had all sorts of important things I needed to do today, so I made a plan.

First, I went out in the living room and smoked a joint. Then I smoked another one. After that I had pretty much forgotten that they were working on my room, why I was still awake, what I had to do today (nothing), and also when the last time I ate was. Since I forgot all of that, Mario and I decided to play Halo instead. Seemed like a good idea. Stoned Halo.... ah, great fun. Then we went boarding, and by the time we came home I was sober and really, really tired. At this point a weaker person might have given in, but not this man. No, I put the Stay Awake Forever Plan B (patent pending. No, not really) into effect. It starts with a reason.

Reason: Must fuck ex-girlfriend tonight.
Why? Um, you don't call an ex, tell her to come over, and then NOT fuck her.
No, why are you still sleeping with her? Do we really have to discuss this now?
Fine, moving on.

Cigarettes: $5
Sprite: $1.50
Red Vines: $1.25
Not bothering to put on a shirt because you couldn't be bothered, and besides, you were wearing a jacket: Priceless

So, yeah. Smokes, Sprite, and Red Vines. Healthy dinner, I know. Booze was already taken care of by the left over bourbon, AKA: Fightin & Fuckin Juice, from the other night (I'll write it eventually, or forget it, whatever). I think I covered everything else from the SAF Plan B.

I've heard that there are other things that work for staying up. I believe one is called caffeine, usually contained in coffee. Apparently, coffee is the weirdest thing you can ever add salt to, and this will cause you to be ostracized from all coffee drinking cliques. In theory you can also prop your eyelids up, but if you can roll your eyes back in your head it doesn't work so well. Also I hear setting yourself on fire is a great way to stay awake. With out serious painkillers you'll never sleep through bad enough burns.

Please use caution when using this product as there may be some side effects. Known side effects include: insomnia, paranoia, lethargy, delusions, wild fluctuations in sex drive, nausea, heart burn, acid reflux, diarrhea, unconsciousness leading to coma, variable weight gain or loss, anger, depression, lack of appetite, nose bleed, liver disease, cancer, heart attack, AIDS, gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, clap, and sometimes you might get tennis elbow from all the cigarettes. One symptom that all users experience is something akin to a hangover. I am not responsible for what may happen to you if you choose to use this product. Hell, I barely manage to take responsibility for what I do when I use it.

Sleepless And Stoned In Seattle

I think maybe I have been smoking too much, and not sleeping enough. Apparently, when some people quit working (2 days notice) other people have to fill in for the Audit shift. Which of course means me. Well here's a newsflash: I can't do the turnaround so well anymore. Everytime I have to work a couple of audit shifts in a week, I also have to work three 7am to 3pm shifts. Now I could handle this pretty well if I didn't have other things that I needed to get done, but I need to find a new place to live, and have some minor relation to a life. Hell, I even need to get laid periodically. All of these things require me to be awake in the afternoon, which means that I can't just adjust to sleeping in the afternoon all the time, so that I can handle the audit shifts, and the morning shifts. Besides, I fucking hate mornings. The only good morning involves the three B's. Booze, Bitches, Beach.

As for work and such, I should be getting a new job soon. Apparently stalking me is a good way to get me to come work for you. Just waiting to hear back on my background check now, and then I should be starting. Things to remember at my new job: Don't sleep with the front desk staff no matter how hot they are because they are only 18 or 19, and are my enmployees; Don't drink at the bar at the hotel because then I might actually sleep with the front desk girls; Don't make friends with these people, I have plenty of friends and it makes it really hard to manage people; Only be drunk at work when my boss is the one getting me drunk, but make sure he knows to keep me away from the front desk girls in said state; Make sure there is always one room set aside for me to fuck the front desk girls in because we know I can't help myself, if they aren't friends they're fuckable. I'm a bad, bad man.

I was actually going to try and quit smoking cigarettes, but as usual, that failed miserably. So instead I decided to start smoking more of something else. I know that my reasoning on that is completely viable, no matter what you all think. Besides, my bartender sells me great stuff. I wouldn't be doing it, except that I know that my new job doesn't drug test, and neither does my current one. Hotels are rad to work in these days; none of them drug test for front desk anymore. They still test for valet drivers, but that makes sense. Besides, I'd rather get blazed than drunk if I have to work the next day. What's the worst that can happen? I get a little too high and pass out three hours before I planned to go to sleep, and then wake up feeling rested? Damn.

On other fronts I'm still pretty much the same whorish self that I always am. It seems to me that women love walking up to me and saying, "You're a handsome devil. What's your name?" OK, so maybe that's mildly delusional, but it's still a valid point; I am a handsome devil. And wether you all dissaprove or not, sleeping with Jenny is still great fun. You have to understand that just ignoring a part of your sexual appetite does not make it go away. It just makes the craving grow. So for all of you who have those "strange" things you like to do in bed, but don't do with your current sexual partner, try and remember that it's going to become a raging storm of need at some point in time. At that point in time, if you can't open up to your lover and tell them what you need, or if they can't accept or fulfil your desires, then it's time to move on. If you do plan to try and keep an even trade with your lover in all things sexual, make sure that you have the ability to talk about sex. Specifically what kind, how often, how you both want it, why each of you want it the way you do, and pretty much everything else. That's the nice thing about Jenny, I don't have to explain all that to her, although we do still talk about it. Besides, she fulfils that darker side of my sexual nature pretty well. Find me someone that can take care of all my widely varried sexual needs, and I'll be a happy man. Or at least a sexually satisfied one (I hope). Sometimes an imagination is a great thing in bed, but sometimes it's a curse. You have to know when to turn it off.