Advances in Chaos

Everyone needs something to stare at while they think I believe. Some people stare blankly at the TV, or the wall. Me I stare at women. Today it was the long legged beauty on the couch in the corner of the lobby. She has absolutely phenomenal legs. Seriously, they're amazing enough to give ME fantasies, and I usually don't bother with those. Oh, and there's been this really cute Asian chick wandering through flirting with me too. And some decent cougars too. Anyways, seeing these two I started thinking and realized that I hadn't updated anyone on all the recent chaos in my life.

First lets talk about the shit I have been working. Since so many people have left recently from my work, I got roped into working 2 night audits, and 3 morning shifts. Do you know how much that sucks? I'm still a night person; I don't sleep. Since I don't ever manage to get to sleep at a reasonable time, I never wake up on time either. Damn, Legs just left. So I've been late a fair bit recently. Not more than an hour, but it's been once a week since I started working this shift set. Apparently, I can rack up a ridiculous number of write ups for this because they can't afford to fire me, and they want me to be supervisor. And then, last week, there was Thursday.

It started innocently enough. I worked at 6:45, and I was on time having been late the day before. Off at 2:45 and off I went to look at new places to live in since Simone and I hadn't yet found one we agreed on. The last place I looked at was up on Queen Anne Hill about 5 blocks from Nabob (the bar I'm always at) so I stopped in for a drink. I really meant it to be one. I even tried to order PBR, but my bartender forced me to enjoy happy hour by drinking Black Butte Porters, some German beer, and something else I don't remember. I did eventually get that PBR I had ordered, but that was 2 hours and several beers later. Best part was that I didn't have to actually pay for any of them. I spent most of that 2 hours playing pool with some random guys and they put all my drinks on their collective tab. Legs is back again; thank god for women who love to let their best features show so well. After that I took off back home, grabbed Audrey's computer I had been fixing, and brought it over to work to give it back to her. And this is where the trouble started.

One of the guys at work and I decided we needed a couple drinks, so we headed back up to Nabob, but not until we had coerced Audrey into coming up after she got off work and bringing our boss's girlfriend with her. Again, someone else paid for my drinks, thankfully. After the girls showed up, I got a fair bit drunker than I meant too. There are two reasons for that. One: I hadn't eaten since that morning. Two: As we all know, I drink better with an audience. Apparently I also flirt better with an audience. Apparently I was pretty ridiculous, and the chick I was hitting on most fervently was actually fairly receptive to it. She was also, according to my co-worker, a 7.5 or an 8, and two to four years older than me. Her friend, on the other hand, was about a 3.5, six to eight years older, and wanted my balls something fierce. I also spilled my guts to Whitney about how there's no way I could ever date Audrey, which, as always, relegates us to friends, and I always need more attractive women as friends. BTW, Legs has left the building for the last time; I think I'm gonna cry. Wait, never mind, this new chick who walked in is pretty cute too. When they finally did last call, we stopped by 7-11 and got more beer, and a bottle of wine for the girls. Then we hit the roof. The roof of work. With booze. At 2 am. Great plan. A couple hours later (4am), I finally went home, drunk as hell, and passed out on my phone so I didn't wake up when my alarm went off at 6 am to wake me up for work. In fact, I didn't wake up until around 2ish, and didn't call my work until the next day. And no, I didn't get fired. I think I paid for my mistake though. I had a hangover, and I hadn't gotten laid. Surely that's punishment enough?

Since I had failed magisterially to get laid on Thursday, and was too hungover to do anything about it Friday, and I worked both Saturday and Sunday nights I knew I had to get laid Monday. Now, granted, this is me we're talking about here. I could have still performed on Friday, and its pretty easy, and fun to get laid in the middle of the day, but you have to remember a couple things. Even I hate hangovers, despite the fact that I spend way too much of my life that way; I slept most of Saturday; and I was too high on Sunday to find the drive to get off the couch for much of anything. All this means that I did what any rational, crazed, horny man would do: I called my ex-girlfriend, the bookseller. No, I still refuse to explain myself over that one. So when she showed up we headed straight for the bar because that's what we do before we go fuck. At the bar we played a lot of pool and drank a lot of beer. Interesting things happened at the bar that night. First, Palani, the bartender, asked me to work the door Friday night, so now I have a job at my favorite bar which is awesome because they give me a discount on drinks. Secondly, I ran into the guy who has been trying to recruit me for another hotel in Seattle, and got an interview set up for the next day. Third, was a really strange couple that decided they wanted to hit on Jenny and I. Granted, they had just met tonight, and the girl had just broken up with her boyfriend, so some strangeness was to be expected, but not this. Oh, and the guy had the most irritating laugh in history. They first showed up while I was out smoking with my friend from work, and had caught Jenny before she made it outside, so she was playing a game against the guy when I came in. As soon as I got back the girl started professing her love for my "girlfriend". And the guy kept trying to rub my leg. It was really strange. The girl seemed interested in both Jenny and I because she kept rubbing my crotch, and flirting with Jenny, telling her how beautiful, smart, and just generally amazing she is. Jenny doesn't do threesomes with me, she doesn't like to share, so that was out. And there was no way in hell that guy was ever getting near me in a sexual situation. Still, the fact that the girl hit on both of us, and the guy was hitting on only me kinda creeped me out. Either way, they bailed after Jenny talked the girl into sleeping with that guy. Let me tell you, that conversation was hysterical. We bounced soon after and did what we do best.

Tuesday I went in for that interview, and walked out with a new job. Wednesday I quit my job, signed the lease agreements for the new apartment, and helped Simone get a few things moved in. We also discovered the greatest thing about the new place: the downstairs closet under the stairs locks from the outside. If Mario ever comes over I am locking him in that closet until he finally comes out of the closet and admits he's gay.