Stay Awake Forever: Plan B

Most people seem to have trouble staying awake for long periods of time, but not me. Once, a long time ago, I developed the perfect formula for staying awake and alert for long periods of time. Subsequently, I immediately used this formula to stay awake for three days so that I could consume a ridiculous amount of drugs (see Recipe For Destruction) after which I could never remember the exact formula for staying awake and alert. Because of this drastic malfunction of my higher memory skills I have been forced to make do with my backup formula, detailed below.

A Reason
Cigarettes
Booze, Lots of
A desire to get laid
A passionate, and completely unfounded, fear of not waking up early enough to get things done (note: Make sure you don't actually have anything to get done, it defeats the entire purpose)
Last, and most important, have three retard, construction, assholes from some Eastern Bloc country using power saws and hammers on the external siding RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR WINDOW!!!!

So I worked night audit last night, meaning that I woke up at 5pm, and its pretty much that time now, on the next day. I went to the bar after I got off work, had a couple drinks, and then came home to try and sleep. Yeah, that didn't work. First some guy closes my window from the outside (keep in mind I live on the second floor... It's pretty far up), and then he fires off some sort of saw. It pretty much got worse after that, and it lasted for about an hour or so. And then started again fifteen minutes later. It's been off and on pretty much all day. Not to mention all the yelling they all do at each other in something that sounds vaguely Russianish. I had all sorts of important things I needed to do today, so I made a plan.

First, I went out in the living room and smoked a joint. Then I smoked another one. After that I had pretty much forgotten that they were working on my room, why I was still awake, what I had to do today (nothing), and also when the last time I ate was. Since I forgot all of that, Mario and I decided to play Halo instead. Seemed like a good idea. Stoned Halo.... ah, great fun. Then we went boarding, and by the time we came home I was sober and really, really tired. At this point a weaker person might have given in, but not this man. No, I put the Stay Awake Forever Plan B (patent pending. No, not really) into effect. It starts with a reason.

Reason: Must fuck ex-girlfriend tonight.
Why? Um, you don't call an ex, tell her to come over, and then NOT fuck her.
No, why are you still sleeping with her? Do we really have to discuss this now?
Fine, moving on.

Cigarettes: $5
Sprite: $1.50
Red Vines: $1.25
Not bothering to put on a shirt because you couldn't be bothered, and besides, you were wearing a jacket: Priceless

So, yeah. Smokes, Sprite, and Red Vines. Healthy dinner, I know. Booze was already taken care of by the left over bourbon, AKA: Fightin & Fuckin Juice, from the other night (I'll write it eventually, or forget it, whatever). I think I covered everything else from the SAF Plan B.

I've heard that there are other things that work for staying up. I believe one is called caffeine, usually contained in coffee. Apparently, coffee is the weirdest thing you can ever add salt to, and this will cause you to be ostracized from all coffee drinking cliques. In theory you can also prop your eyelids up, but if you can roll your eyes back in your head it doesn't work so well. Also I hear setting yourself on fire is a great way to stay awake. With out serious painkillers you'll never sleep through bad enough burns.

Please use caution when using this product as there may be some side effects. Known side effects include: insomnia, paranoia, lethargy, delusions, wild fluctuations in sex drive, nausea, heart burn, acid reflux, diarrhea, unconsciousness leading to coma, variable weight gain or loss, anger, depression, lack of appetite, nose bleed, liver disease, cancer, heart attack, AIDS, gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, clap, and sometimes you might get tennis elbow from all the cigarettes. One symptom that all users experience is something akin to a hangover. I am not responsible for what may happen to you if you choose to use this product. Hell, I barely manage to take responsibility for what I do when I use it.