Screw It

I've been trying to write about Tuesday, but I still need the videos for it before it will make any sense. Until then, I'll write the story I was originally going to write about a week ago. I promise that the other one really will get posted, along with its accompanying videos. Eventually.

So last Thursday Karen and I went on an adventure. I'm sure that this doesn't surprise anyone because any story that involves Karen is usually pretty fucked up. For once Karen didn't ditch me, or make rude comments, or physically abuse me in any way. So how is this a story worthy of my blog? Well, there are basically three kinds of nights when hanging out with Karen. The first is nights like the drunk tank where I get blitzed out of my mind and Karen leaves me somewhere until either the cops or my room mate has to come get me. The second is the lease likely to occur, but generally involves both Karen and I being pretty blitzed and going home to pass out after neither of us finds anyone to bring home from the bar. On a side note, I can always find chicks to bring home, but I usually treat Karen with a modicrum of respect and wait to see if she's gonna find a boy before I bring some random chick back so I can rock out with my cock out. The third is where I pretty much just ditch Karen for some random chick. You can let me know what kind of night you think it was in your comments.

Now I call this an adventure because it was the first time I went to one of Karen's Events and Adventures things. This was probably actually an event, but I refuse to believe that the night can be defined by how it starts, and we did travel a little, so I am calling it an adventure. What we did was go to an early showing of the new Star Trek movie (which was fuckin awesome) at the Imax (which made it way more awesome). I only review drinking establishments, so you won't hear much else about the movie from me. Besides, you don't read this to hear about movies, unless they are pornos that I am in. After the movie, instead of going to the established E&A drinking hole (a sports bar imaginatively named Sport) we went to my bar, The Great Nabob. God I spend too much time there. So this is, as usual, where the story picks up. Why? The same reason you always get: Bitches and Booze.

I really don't remember what I was drinking this night, but that might have something to do with the fact that I smoked a fair bit before I left my house to meet up with Karen. When we got to the bar I made my rounds, said hi to everyone I knew (almost everyone in the bar) and introduced Karen to the few people she didn't know. Shortly after we got there Courtney showed up. I could tell you the whole back story, but it really doesn't matter that much. We've met, drunkenly, a few times, but not fucked. Yet. Anyways, I hit on her. It went well for a bit, and then we both wandered off for a minute and lost the conversation. I wasn't worried, I'd already seen the look in her eye. She needed some Cox. They always do. Around this time is when I first tried to help Karen out a little. I tried to give her the key to my house so she could go pass out without having to drive to Bellevue, but she wasn't having it. Apparently she would rather stick around and watch the show. And show it was.

While the details of who started what are a little unclear, I do know a few things for sure. One: we made out a LOT. Two: everyone else got sick of us making out at the bar (literally at the bar too, we were in the last two seats at the end of it in plain view of everyone) and sent us to the back room. Three: things got a fair bit heavier while we were in the back so my buddy Josh pulled the curtains for us. Four: her friend was floored.

Courtney was there with a friend who I later learned ran by the name of Janet. The last time I had seen Courtney, her and Janet were fairly obviously going home together. I wasn't upset about it. Janet, on the other hand, cock blocked me all night. She was yelling at her friend to stop and yelling at me that Courtney wasn't going home with me. I had already figured that one out. One of the funny things about this chick was that to mollify her Courtney actually offered me to Janet, who turned it down. That vaguely saddened me, but I still had a handful of tit so it didn't last. The thing about Janet that was so surprising though was how floored she was by the whole thing. Keep in mind Courtney and I aren't that different; we're both sluts. Her friend wasn't mad about the fact that Courtney was making out with a guy in a bar. She was upset because I am the door guy. According to Josh and Karen she kept asking how it was that I, as a door guy, could get any. The door guy at her work doesn't ever get any, so how did I? Josh and Karen answered, "He's Ed." I love my friends.

The end of the story? Karen and Josh left sometime while I was busy, so I didn't notice. I didn't get laid, but I had a great time and high hopes for next time. Who knows, maybe if I work on her friend I can get two for the price of one. Either way, its still a good night in my book. We'll see if I can double down tonight. It's Thursday after all, which is the night I always see her.

The Night I Banged Karen

The whole thing was a complete misunderstanding, I swear. No one but me knows the full details of the night, so as always, I am the one to tell it. Contrary to what some people think, the world did not in fact end.

It started as a fairly normal night. I was getting off work, and Karen was coming to the city so we were going to do dinner. For a slight change of pace I invited Simone to come with us. Dinner was fine, good conversation, few drinks, the usual. Then Simone went home, and Karen and I wandered off to pick up her really really drunk friends (like I have room to judge, but you can if you want) Megan, Steve (Megan's boy toy), and Steve's short friend with glasses whose name I am not entirely certain I have ever heard while sober. Anyways, we took them to Kirkland. Why? Because Karen had already said she would, and, in theory, Karen's other friend Britney (attractive and slutty according to rumor) was supposed to be showing up there shortly after us. To me it sounded like fairly easy, at least decent, no strings attached sex. Just how I like it. Obviously that didn't happen.

What did happen was that they only had one kind of beer to drink. I know in the old days I didn't care what I drank as far as beer was concerned, I just wanted to get drunk. But now I have experience, and more importantly, taste. Actually, I don't think I would have drink this crap even a long time back. What was it? Budweiser Select. Yuck. Either way, hanging out with ridiculously drunk people (think me at about 75% of what I can drink, drunk tank being 125%) is really dumb and irritating when you aren't. It's even more so with shitty beer. Around the time I was pretty much just done, and deciding that I either needed to get the hell out of there (couldn't do that, Karen was driving), or go buy decent beer and get shit housed (110%), I got a phone call from my ex girlfriend. I figured that was going to be good enough entertainment to validate me walking to the store to get beer, so I walked out. Karen followed me out about ten seconds later to drive me to get beer.

So we went to get beer. At the bar. In Seattle. We didn't go back.

At the bar I got a couple more phone calls, and got to hit on a few people. Mostly though I just hung out, got drunk, and listened to Karen talk about the cute boys she wanted to hit on. Karen left about 130 or 2. Around 230 I got picked up, taken to my house, and proceeded to fuck that woman several times that night, and a couple more the next morning.

Now this is the part of the story that is important. Between morning sexsions (its like sessions, but with sex) I went downstairs to get water and only then realized that my room mate had been sleeping on the couch directly below my bed. She wasn't really happy. In fact she was kinda pissed. Not that I was having sex, but who I was having sex with, not that I knew that at the time. So after being admonished about my sexual practices (translated, "You are such an asshole.") I went back upstairs for one more round. After that my living, breathing, walking, talking, cheating, loving, fornicating sex toy had to go. Simone was very relieved to find out I had been banging Jenny the entire time instead of Karen.

On a side note, the whole Jenny thing just keeps getting odder. Now she half lives with her new boyfriend a block and a half from me, yet she still comes by my place to fuck on a fairly regular basis. I'd love to say that I feel bad about it, or that I don't enjoy it, but that would be lying. It's always really amusing to give her advice on her new relationship (which I really don't want to end because she's happy, and I get great free sex) and fuck her at the same time. I don't even wonder why she comes to see me; no one fucks her like I do. Also I own her soul. It's in a jar on my bookshelf.

Dear Girl Who Said No

I just wanted to write you a letter after the other night. I'm sure that you felt as though taking me back to your place and then saying, "No," the other night was the right thing to do. I'm glad to see that you have learned from the mistakes you made the other three times we slept together. I'm positive that this sort of attitude will help me to consider calling you. Ever. And who knows, it might even help me remember you name. Our relationship is really improving as we make these important steps forward. From now on I will have respect for you.

Sincerely,
Ed

PS: I slept with your room mate instead.

Chartreuse Strikes Again

At the insistence of Karen, I decided to go ahead and start posting things here again. I got lazy a little while back, and while I am still lazy, I also remember that I actually enjoyed doing this. Also, last night is deserving of being known.

This lovely liquor has been brewed by French monks using 130 different herbal extracts for around 400 years. It's about 110 or so proof (55%). It is also known by several of my bar friends here in Seattle to be absolutely horrible to drink, and it really fucks me up. Personally I can't decide if it's delicious or horrible, so I keep drinking it in an attempt to figure out how I feel about it.

Anyways, on to the story.

I'd had a fairly rough day at work yesterday, so even though I had told everyone that I wasn't going to, I went to the bar. It only takes a drink order to let people know how bad the day is. When you walk in and order a beer, then the day wasn't that bad. When you walk in and order a shot and a beer, the day was a little rough. But when you walk into the bar and yell to the bartender from the doorway that you need two shots of Chartreuse and a PBR... Well, you get the idea. Even people who have no idea what this stuff is can tell how bad the day has been just by the look on the faces of everyone who does know. Ordering like this does elicit some interesting reactions from interesting people though. And in this case interesting was very, very good.

In this particular case, the interesting person was named Cassie. If I knew a bit more about her career I could tell you where to find some shots she's done. She spent 7 years as a model. God knows she's hot enough to be one. She's now a retired model because she decided to get a real job, and look like a normal woman. By normal I mean that the last shoot she did a month or two ago in Paris, she had to lose 35 pounds for. Keep in mind this chick is right now at pretty much the perfect weight for her to be, and she looks amazing. If she lost 35 pounds she'd look like a crack head, a meth addict, or a model. Did I mention that she's only 21? Oh yeah, she's married to a guy my age by the name of Ariel.

So I sat down one stool to the right of Cassie (her husband was on her left) and they both immediately scooted down to be closer to me. It was her idea. I guess I should mention that these two are actually kinda regulars at my bar, so they know who I am, but we haven't really drank together before. Also in the bar were a few other people I know pretty well. Karla the bartender, Ben the bar back, Ian the video game programmer, Peter the kinda odd guy, Kekai the other video game guy from Hawaii. Ian, Peter, and Kekai all work together, and had a bunch of their co-workers with them, including two chicks that I have previously met, but not slept with yet (there were other chicks there the nights I met them). I wasn't in the bar to get any last night, I was there to get drunk, so sitting next to a married couple didn't bother me. Also, having the hottest chick in the bar talk to me does have some fairly positive results, meaning the other chicks in the bar all wanted to hit on me too.

The most interesting thing about the night was that I spent most of my time talking to Cassie, but not cause I was purposely hitting on her. What I was doing was providing marital advice. Don't ask me how that happened, I was drunk. All I drank all night was Chartreuse and PBR. The order (at least what I remember of it) was 2 shots, 3 beers, 1 shot, 1 beer, 2 shots, 2 beers, blackout... I think. Anyways, while providing marital advice (Really? Who asks a divorcee for marital advice) the other two chicks that I had previously met were staring at me, so as soon as Cassie wandered off to the bathroom I got ambushed. These two were terrified of Chartreuse, but amazed that I could drink it like I do. I think I bought them shots, my memory is a might bit fuzzy. Cassie came back after I did shots, and then all three of them were talking to me, and this time Cassie was definitely flirting. I know she was flirting because she made sure to give me her number in front of the other two chicks. I ended up with their numbers too, but Cassie started it.

I'm honestly not sure what time I left. The only thing I can remember about leaving is that as soon as I got in my truck I had to lean over and puke all over the street. The drive home is completely gone from my memory, as is getting home and going to sleep. Either way, I had a good time, I got hit on a lot, and I got three separate chicks phone numbers, one of which is a ridiculously hot, married, model.

Thanks, Chartreuse. You got me chicks, you got me digits, you got me fucked up. God the hangover hurt.